


Wolfstar through the years

by Mimbulus_mimbletonia



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Sirius Black, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hogwarts, M/M, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Mutual Pining, Pansexual Remus Lupin, non-au, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 17:57:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 12,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8632807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mimbulus_mimbletonia/pseuds/Mimbulus_mimbletonia
Summary: Remus Lupin and Sirius Black become friends during their first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and develop over the years they know each other into something much deeper.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I have a few things I'd like to say before you start reading my fic. Firstly, don't judge it too hard! I originally wrote this for myself, and it doesn't really have a plot. It's mostly just my thoughts on how Wolfstar could fit into the canon story. Secondly English is only my second language, so please forgive any spelling or grammar mistakes or any weirdly structured sentences. I'd also like to mention this is the first fanfic I've written (or finished and published anyway), so please leave a comment.  
> (I'm not expecting a lot of people to read it, but if you do please let me know what you think!)  
> Alright, enjoy!

**First year.**

Sirius Black is on the Hogwarts Express, feeling nervous but excited. What he doesn't expect is to immediately meet a friend, someone he'll come to love and trust more than anyone else - a certain James Potter. They connect instantly, finding common interests such as Quidditch and collecting Chocolate Frog cards. James has an aura of confidence around him already at eleven years old, which is something Sirius envies very much. He's seen the same thing in his parents, but Sirius himself has never felt sure of himself, or of his place in the world. He makes a promise to himself right there on the train, the 1st of September, to never doubt himself again. To be more like James. To be proud. No matter what happens. He nearly breaks that promise only a few short hours later. In the Great Hall of Hogwarts, the school which seems to be just as amazing as he's heard it is. It's the Sorting Ceremony, and Sirius' turn to be sorted is coming up. James is so set on being in Gryffindor - just like his father had been. Sirius walks up to Professor McGonagall and the Sorting Hat with a weight on his shoulders. The weight of his family's expectations for him to be in Slytherin, along with James' hopes for him to be in Gryffindor and his own confusion and anxiety about where he actually belongs. He closes his eyes as the Sorting Hat is placed on his head.  
_Hm! Another Black, I see..._ The Hat's voice is inside Sirius' head. _I don't think there's anyone in the Black's family history who hasn't been in Slytherin._ Sirius feels his heart speeding up, despite wanting to make his family proud, he doesn't like the idea of being in Slytherin very much. He's always felt like an outsider at home. _But I do see something else in you.._ The Hat continues. _Maybe it's time to break the family traditions..._ Sirius holds his breath, waiting for the final decision. The Hat calls out for everyone to hear:  
"GRYFFINDOR!" Sirius exhales in relief, and feels a smile growing on his face as he opens his eyes and makes his way to the Gryffindor table.

*

Later that night, in the dormitories of the Gryffindor common room, Sirius and James meet their two new room mates. The first, Peter Pettigrew, is a short, blonde guy who is really excited about Hogwarts, and having ended up in Gryffindor.  
"My parents were so sure I'd be in Hufflepuff!" Sirius is amused by the way Peter won't stop talking, he seems like the kind of guy who is happy about everything. But what really catches Sirius' attention is the other boy. He introduces himself as Remus Lupin, but mostly keeps to himself. He is a handsome, quiet person and there is something about the way he is that fascinates Sirius. The way he introduces himself with a firm handshake; the way he politely listens to everything Peter talks about, without interrupting him or focusing his attention elsewhere; his shy smile when Sirius says he thinks they are gonna be great friends; the way he by the end of the night is sitting quietly on his bed reading some muggle book. Peter and Remus are both only half blood wizards, unlike James, and Sirius himself. Sirius doesn't think much of it, they seem just as normal and capable of magic as any pure bloods he's met, (James had made them all perform a couple of simple spells to "test their potentials", and though Peter had only barely managed to light his wand, Remus had done it wonderfully, better than both James and Sirius, in fact.) He's always been sceptical of his family's prejudicial opinions, mainly towards muggleborns but really anyone who's less than pure blood. During the earlier half of his childhood, he didn't know better, what his parents said were the only things he heard and therefore they must be true. But Sirius was a smart kid, and as he grew older he'd read the Daily Prophet and get more information by listening to strangers talking in stores or on the streets, and he started questioning these things. He'd seen how rude his parents would be when they met muggleborn witches and wizards and he could never picture himself doing that for no reason.


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I've already finished writing the whole thing I'm just gonna go ahead and post all of them at once. I'm doing one chapter per year so some will be really short but I figure it'd be too much to put it all in one chapter idk.

**Second year.**

This is the year they find out Remus Lupin is a werewolf. They can tell something is off with him. They all notice it, and when they think back, they realize he's been like this ever since they met him. He disappears, some nights. After dinner, he doesn't come with the boys to the common room. He always has an excuse - he needs to go to the library, work on some assignment, send an owl, talk to a teacher... They never questioned it. But the thing is, those nights he never shows up before everyone's asleep and when they wake up he's still gone. Only, they've always assumed he'd waken up early and already gone for breakfast. But there's more: he's sick - a lot. He gets sleeping draughts, and other potions from Madam Pomfrey, yet he often looks tired and worn. Sirius has tried several times to ask him if he's okay, but Remus always brushes it off like it's nothing and refuses to talk about it. When Sirius talks to James and Peter about it, they agree something is wrong. Maybe Remus has some kind of a secret condition? Maybe he is too embarrassed to tell them? It's James' idea, of course, to figure it out themselves what's wrong, rather than trying to get Remus to tell them about it. Peter and Sirius agree; something is hurting their friend somehow and if they can do anything to help, they will. So the next time Remus says he has to go do something, his three friends grab James' Invisibility Cloak and follow him.  
It doesn't take them long to figure out what's up, and after they do it's time for confrontation. The boys sit in the Gryffindor common room on the night of the full moon, and wait for their friend to return from the Shrieking Shack. By the time Remus arrives, the room is empty of other students.  
"You're a werewolf," James states, without so much as a "hello" first. Remus is terrified, how do they know? Do they hate him? Are they going to tell the rest of the school? He barely stutters out a "what" before James continues.  
"Oh, you don't have to look so scared, we just wanted to let you know we figured it out. No more lying and sneaking around necessary."   
Remus stares at them in disbelief. "Y-you don't hate me?"  
"Don't be ridiculous!" Peter speaks up.  
"Yeah, Re, what did you think?" Sirius adds, "That we were just gonna abandon you?" Remus blushes a bit at the nickname, and overall he's flooding with relief.  
"We're here for you, mate," James says. "Anyone gives you shit, we'll hex them!"  
"That's what friends are for," Sirius smiles. Remus has been warned by his parents not to speak of his condition, and he's experienced first-hand what most wizards and witches think of werewolves. And here his friends are - accepting him. He nearly starts to cry.


	3. 3

**Third year.**

James comes up with the brilliant idea to become Animagi.  
"You know how Professor McGonagall can turn into a cat?" he'd asked Peter and Sirius just the day after they'd confronted Remus. They'd both nodded in response. "And you know how werewolves only ever hurt humans - not animals?" Nodding again. "It's obvious, isn't it? To keep Remus from having to spend all those nights during his transformations alone, to keep him from hurting himself... All we have to do is keep him company _as animals_!"  
And after a bit of convincing ("You have to register-" "We'll break the rules like we always do!" "I think you mean _law_ " "It's for our friend!" "It's supposedly incredibly hard to do" "And _we_ are incredibly brilliant wizards!" "We're only 12 years old..." "What could go wrong?") he'd finally gotten the both of them to agree.  
They've all decided not to tell Remus about this until they completed the process. Firstly, it will be the best surprise ever and secondly, just in case they can't make it it's better he doesn't get his hopes up.  
Meanwhile, Sirius does everything to help and support his friend. He and James take turns completing any homework Remus misses - as much as Sirius hates school work, he knows how important it is to Remus; while Peter keeps track of all the potions - which ones that are for healing, sleeping, calming, etc, and when he's supposed to take them. Remus is beyond happy that he's found such amazing friends. They make living as a werewolf bearable - not to mention the fun they have together the rest of the time as well.


	4. 4

**Fourth year.**

Sirius is starting to have recurring nightmares. About his family, mostly. More often than not - especially around the full moon - he finds Remus awake for the same reason - although his dreams are rather about being the wolf. The two boys find comfort in each other. There is something about the dark, quiet hours in the middle of the night; feelings are more raw, and sharing is easier. Tears fall easy when they finally let go. And with each other they never have to be alone.  
"I don't ever want to go back into that house," Sirius says, after a vivid dream of his parents telling him just how much he's let them down, let the whole Black family down. It wasn't _just_ a dream, though, it was a memory. Remus wipes Sirius tears away.  
"You know you're always welcome at James' house. You even have your own room there, Siri, it'll be alright."  
"I worry about Reg," Sirius sobs.  
"I know. But they don't abuse him like you, right?"  
"In my dreams they do..."  
"But not in real life. He fits into their narrow-minded picture of a perfect child. He will be okay."  
"Maybe not physically, but..I don't know, he's just so young.."  
"So are you, and Regulus isn't your responsibility."  
"Thank you, Re."  
Other nights, they don't talk at all. Just silent tears, calming hugs. James often wakes up in the morning to see them cuddled up in one bed. He will smile to himself at his friends, before spending the rest of the day teasing them about it. And he wonders when they will realize what everyone else already knows - that the two share feelings that go deeper than friendship.


	5. 5

**Fifth year.**

The boys are closer than ever. Sirius has finally found himself; he is comfortable in his body and proud of who he is despite his parents' disappointment, and he's moved in with the Potters. He is confident and happy - and he flirts with  _everyone,_ confusing the hell out of a jealous Remus.  _I'm not being jealous, I simply don't understand this twisted need of his to throw himself at everyone. And it's always good to have an extra brain while studying - how much of a help is he if he's off snogging with some Slytherin chick? Totally not jealous. Lily, shut up. I'm not jealous._  
This is also the year that the boys finally become Animagi.  
James, Peter and Sirius convince Remus to go with them into the Forbidden Forest because they "really need to show him something." Despite complaining about skipping class, he doesn't argue much before following his friends into the dense woods. They're in a small clearing and are ready to show Remus what they've been working on for three years.  
"Alright, we won't tell you much we'll just show you first," James says to Remus who gives a confused nod as a reply. "First, there's Wormtail!" James gestures towards Peter who transforms into a rat. "Padfoot," he turns to Sirius who is now a black dog. "And, Prongs!" James himself turns into his stag form. Remus is amazed. The three boys turn back into their human selves.  
Sirius is the first to speak. "Now you won't have to be alone during your transformations!" The smile on his face is huge. This hits Remus hard - he  didn't realize.  
"You did all this - for me?" He can't believe it.  
"Of course we did," Peter says.  
"Oh, and don't worry," James adds in, "we didn't forget to get you a nickname as well - you're Moony."  
The full moons have always been like living nightmares. With other animals around - especially ones who are his best friends when human - Remus' wolf self wouldn't have the need to hurt himself as much. And he wouldn't be as lonely. This time he can't hold it in - he bursts into tears and his three friends pull him into a tight group hug. This is so worth missing class for.

*

"Prooongs," Sirius tries to get his attention. He is lying with his head in James' lap, but the boy is busy watching Lily talking to her friends. He sits up and starts slapping James' arm. "Prongs, I'm trying to tell you something. I am dying over here. Like actually dying."  
James finally turns his attention towards Sirius. "So you've finally figured it out then."  
Sirius gives him a confused look. "What are you talking about?"  
"That you're in love with Moony." This causes Sirius to blush.  
"How did you know?"  
"Oh come _on,_ it's written all over your face, the way you follow him around with your eyes all the time, the way you're always smiling when he's around, the way you _cuddle up in his bed every night,_ the way you constantly flirt with him-"  
"Hey, I flirt with everybody! Thought you of all people would know that, sexy," he adds a wink to make his point clear.  
"Alright, did you not listen to any of the other things I listed?"  
"Okay, well, I'll have you know I'm not _in love_ with him, it's only a crush. The guy looks like a freaking god, I mean can you blame me?"  
James snorts. "Keep telling yourself that, babe. You're absolutely in love."  
"How can you tell?"  
James rolls his eyes. "I already told you! Okay, think of all the girls and boys you've been with; snogged, shagged, fancied, whatever."  
"Yeah?"  
"Did any of them make you feel the way you feel when you're with Moony?" Sirius shakes his head quietly. "There you go."  
"But Prongs, what do I do?"  
James shrugs. "Go kiss him, I don't know. I'm hardly the one to give you advice on that, Lily still won't go out with me."  
Sirius smiles, "She'll come around."


	6. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this boring yet? I'm so insecure about my writing

**Sixth year.**

Sirius _tries_ to deal with his feelings for Remus, he really does. And by "dealing" he means trying to get rid of them by hooking up with other people - it's not like it's hard for him to get dates being the hottest wizard at Hogwarts (those being his own words, but a lot of wizards and witches do seem to agree with him). They don't seem to go away, though. He is so physically close to his best friend a lot of the time it makes it hard. The four of them will be laying in a pile on one bed discussing the final Charms for the Marauder's map. In class they're forced to sit really close if they want to talk without being noticed by the teachers. Remus always somehow manages to get one of the good armchairs by the fire, and there is no way Sirius can resist sitting on Remus' lap while he's reading. Not to mention the nightmares are continuing - especially for Remus, and it's become a habit to sleep together. None of them find it weird how close they are since they've always been affectionate towards each other. Especially Sirius - the lack of it from his childhood has made him crave physical closeness and comfort a lot more. He'll often be seen resting his head in James' lap, hugging Peter in between classes, kissing his friends on the cheek as a greeting or when he's excited, holding hands with anyone who's walking in the same direction. So the fact that Remus accepts Sirius into his bed every night doesn't mean that they're anything more than friends.  
Sirius manages, though. As long as he gets to be near Remus and have him by his side as a friend, he will be content. Sure, it would be nice to kiss him whenever he wanted to, and to be able to stare at him as much as he liked without hiding it. Not that he does hide it, but it might be more acceptable. When Remus is reading he gets so caught up in whatever book is in his hands, and Sirius will watch him, fascinated, for hours. James and Peter find this hilarious, and they keep saying every Gryffindor will see how much Sirius is pining, but he doesn't care. Remus usually sleeps in jumpers and pyjama pants to hide the many scars that are a result of his many lonely nights as a wolf, but on the few rare occasions he goes bare-chested Sirius will shamelessly stare at his body, causing Remus to blush adorably.  
"Stop looking at me, you perv," he'll joke and cross his arms over his chest.  
"Why should I, you're right in front of me and you're hot as shit," Sirius will smile back. This generally earns him a pillow in the face.

  
Meanwhile, Lily is confronting Remus about _his_ feelings towards Sirius. They're alone in the common room aside from a few first and second years.  
"Why won't you just admit it, at least to yourself! I've seen the way you look at him. It's the same way Potter looks at me." Lily smiles as she says James' name.  
"Why do I have to admit to anything, when you can't do the same thing yourself. I mean, after six years you're really gonna call him Potter?"  
"Fine, he is _charming,_ but I don't go out with douche bags. And his pathetic attempts to catch my attention are quite hilarious to witness."  
"You only insult him to hide the truth, I know it."  
"You're in love with Sirius Black."  
Remus sighs and shakes his head - not finding words to deny it.  
"You two would make a great couple, you know." Remus' heart jumps at the thought of him and Sirius as a couple. He turns towards the fire to escape the look on Lily's face.  
"It's not like he'd ever go for me anyway...and besides, he deserves better."  
"Are you kidding me?" Lily almost laughs. "He's all over you, don't tell me you're that blind."  
"What are you talking about?" he scowls.  
"Whenever he's around you, he's constantly touching you somehow-"  
"Oh, he's like that with everyone."  
"-he flirts with you _all the time-"  
_ "He also flirts with James, Peter, Marlene, you..."  
"-he stares at you whenever he doesn't think you're watching, he does your homework for you; _Sirius Black_ is doing _homework_ for _you._ "  
Remus rolls his eyes. "You can't read into everything he does, he's an affectionate and flirtatious lad and a good friend. He'd do the same thing for James. Just leave it, he's better off with Whoever-It-Is-This-Week."  
"Fine," Lily finally gives in and put her head on Remus' shoulder. "But I'm still convinced you're soulmates."


	7. 7

**Seventh year.**

The year of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin's first kiss. Before it happens, there are a lot of times when it _almost_ happens.

*

When Remus finds Sirius on the floor of the Astronomy tower, clutching a piece of parchment while crying silently, he immediately sits down next to Sirius and puts an arm around him, pulling his friend closer.  
"Hey," Remus whispers. "I've been looking everywhere for you." Sirius sobs into Remus' shirt without speaking and Remus just sits there and holds him for a while. After a few minutes Sirius' breathing is calmer, and the tears have stopped falling, though he still doesn't want to let go of Remus.  
"Think you can tell me what's wrong?" Remus pushes some loose hair strands away from Sirius' face. "Is that a letter from your parents?" He nods to the piece of parchment that's now lying by their feet where Sirius dropped it.  
Sirius nods. "It was my mother. She only informed me that they'd sent the last of my stuff to James' parents' house, and um, that they never want to see me or hear from me again." At this, Remus squeezes Sirius a little tighter before letting him continue. "I know it's stupid," Sirius' voice breaks a little. "I know _I_ ran away from _them,_ but I thought they'd at least care. After all, I'm their son and they've been raising me for 17 years!" A couple of fresh tears fall down his cheeks. "I'm sorry," he turns to Remus. "I don't want to waste your time. I don't deserve you, your kindness and comfort. I don't deserve James, or Peter. I'm a stupid waste of space, a worthless piece of _shit_ who can't even get my own parents to love me." He makes to pull away from Remus and stands up, but Remus grabs his hand to stop him from leaving. He's stunned - he's never heard Sirius talk about himself like this before.  
He gets to his feet without releasing Sirius' hand. "Hey, listen to me," he pulls on Sirius' hand until he turns to face him. "Everything you just said, it's _bullshit._ You are _not_ worthless. You are the bravest, kindest, most wonderful, generous and goodhearted person I have ever met. It is not _your_ fault that your parents don't love you, it's theirs. And they are the ones missing out." Remus has trouble forming words, he's never been as good at expressing himself when it comes to speaking as he is in writing. He desperately needs Sirius to understand what an amazing friend and person he is. He grabs Sirius face to force him to look at him, to somehow make it clear how important and _true_ these words are.  
"You are worth every intake of oxygen. You are worth every minute someone talks to you. You are worth every Galleon you have spent. You are worth every flower you have picked. You are worth every ounce of water you have used. _You are not worthless._ You are worth everything, and you deserve to be the happiest man alive." Their faces are so close, and the tension is unbelievable, until Remus looks away to pull Sirius into a hug instead.

That's the first time they almost kiss for the first time.

*

It's midnight. James is hungry and he's bringing his friends with him down to the kitchen. With Peter in rat form, James' cloak goes down to their knees, but it doesn't matter much since it's only an extra precaution anyway. With their Map, they only have to make sure no one's near to see three pairs of feet wandering around in the dark.  
It is on their way back, though, with their pockets filled with food, that their plan fails. They figure they won't need the cloak as long as they've got the Map, but James - who's carrying the Map - isn't paying attention to it as he should, and suddenly Mrs. Norris is in front of them and they can hear Filch's footsteps closing in from around the corner. Peter - who turned back into human form when they reached the kitchen - immediately transforms back into a rat and runs off, while James throws the cloak around himself and takes off in a different direction. Sirius and Remus look at each other, _what the hell are they supposed to do now?_ Luckily, Remus spots a door to their left and he quickly pulls Sirius with him and closes the door behind them. It turns out to be an incredibly small and cramped storage room, filled with discarded things. There are shelves almost entirely hidden by everything that's been stacked on them, the floor covered in broken pieces of furniture. This leaves only a small spot on the floor available to stand on, causing Remus and Sirius to stand extremely close. They can barely see anything as there are no lights in here, and they don't dare speaking or even moving. They can hear Filch right outside, speaking to Mrs. Norris and calling out for them; warnings of the punishments they'll get, reassurances that he most definitely _will_ catch them. Sirius and Remus are almost the same height and they're breathing the same air. There is nothing to do but stare at each other and wait for Filch to leave, which is unbearable for Sirius. He is highly aware of how close they are standing, how close Remus' _lips_ are, how he'd barely need to move to touch them with his own. His heart is beating fast, and if he has to stay here much longer he won't be able to control himself. Luckily, Filch's voice has faded and Remus pulls open the door. Sirius lets out a breath he didn't realise he's been holding.

That's the second time they almost kiss for the first time.

*

It's Halloween and the 7th year Gryffindors are enjoying their night after the feast with Halloween candy, butterbeer and music in the common room. It's Lily who suggests playing a game, it's something Muggles often play at parties she says, it's a little childish but fun. It's something called "Spin the bottle." Sirius, Remus, James and Peter take place in the circle with Lily and her friends on the floor. Some others join in as well. Sirius is excited to play. After all, kissing is nice and it literally does not mean anything when it's done in a game like this. That shows to be a problem, though, when he after they've been playing for a while spins the bottle and it happens to land on no other than _Remus_. Throughout the game he's kissed and been kissed by several of the people in the circle, including James, and he's had no problem with it. But he can't do this. It's all wrong. If he ever kisses Remus, it's supposed to be because they both want to and not because of some stupid game. He doesn't want to feel Remus all stiff and reluctant because he feels weird about kissing Sirius. He doesn't want to feel Remus pull away before even a second has passed. He doesn't want it to be amazing, only to be plunged back into reality when it's over.  
He tries to laugh it off. "Hah, no way I'm kissing Remus! He's way out of my league." But everyone yells at him how it's "the rules" and "you have to" and "come on it's not a big deal". James gives him a look that says he understands, and without saying anything else Sirius just gets up and leaves towards their dorm. He can't believe the night is going to end so badly, he'd had a great time up until now. James immediately follows him, and Remus is left feeling humiliated and hollow.  
"Clearly I'm too hot for him to function," Remus jokes. The crowd laughs before moving on with the game. Remus excuses himself and leaves the common room.  
He's just standing outside the portrait when Lily joins him.  
"Sorry about that," she says.  
"No worries," Remus tries to sound light. "I told you he wouldn't want to be with me - he's so disgusted by me he couldn't even stand the thought of kissing me for a second." Lily walks up to him and puts her arms around him.

That's the third time they almost kiss for the first time.

*

Remus is sitting in his favourite armchair by the fire in the common room when Sirius enters, looking a bit unsteady on his feet. When he spots Remus he walks towards him straight away and climbs into his lap.  
"Hello sexy," Sirius says with a smile. "What ya reading?"  
Remus closes the book. "Are you drunk?"  
Sirius giggles. "Just a little," he whispers as he leans in closer. Remus can smell firewhiskey on his breath. "Some of the Slytherins brought some stuff from Hogsmeade." Sirius snakes his arms around Remus' neck. Remus can't help but smile at his adorable friend. He drops his book on the floor next to the armchair.  
"What's up, Pads?"  
Sirius smiles into Remus' neck. "I like it when you call me that," he says, causing Remus' heart to beat a little faster.  
"Yeah?" he says, keeping an amused tone to his voice. Sirius nods. "Hey, let's get you to bed before you fall asleep on me."  
"But Moony, I don't wannaaaa," Sirius whines and pouts adorably.  
"C'mon, I'll go with you."  
Sirius sighs dramatically. "Fine," he says. They both get up and Sirius keeps his arm around Remus' shoulders as they walk upstairs. The room's empty - James is off with Lily somewhere and Peter is playing Exploding Snap with some of the 6th years.  
"There," Remus says, guiding Sirius to his bed. "Go on, get in bed."  
"I can't go to sleep in my clothes."  
Remus sighs. "Yes you can," he says, but helps take off Sirius' shoes for him.  
"Thanks Moons."  
"You're welcome," Remus starts to close the curtains around the bed, but Sirius calls him back.  
"Aren't you going to stay with me?" He pouts again, melting Remus' heart on the spot. He takes off his own shoes and gets into the bed. Sirius makes a content humming noise and cuddles into Remus.  
"Re, you're so beautiful, did you know that?" He shifts so that they're facing each other.  
Remus laughs. "And you're so drunk."  
Sirius scowls. "But you're always beautiful - I'm not always drunk." Remus swallows, _what is he even supposed to say?_  
"Just sleep, Siri."  
"Will you kiss me?" Remus' heart stops. Or at least he feels like it does. _Did Sirius just ask him to kiss him? Or is Remus simply going crazy?_  
"S-sorry?" He stammers.  
"I asked if you'd kiss me, Moons."  
"May I ask why?" By now Remus is freaking out, he's acutely aware of how close Sirius is. He really _could_ just lean in and kiss him.  
"Because you're really pretty and I really want you to kiss me."  
"I thought you were grossed out by the thought of kissing me." He doesn't mean to say it, but it's been bugging him ever since Sirius ran out on him that day _._ Sirius looks confused, so Remus clarifies: "When we were playing spin the bottle and you kissed almost everyone, but you refused to kiss me."  
"Oh no no no," Sirius says, "It's not because I was grossed out! I can't believe you'd think that! I'm sure it would be amazing to kiss you, your lips look really soft..." He is rambling.  
"Let's not talk about this right now," Remus interrupts.   
"We don't have to talk, you can just kiss me."  
"I'm not going to kiss you, Pads."  
"Why not?" He gives Remus his best puppy eyes, and it's so _so_ tempting to give in.  
"Because, you're drunk and you're feeling lonely, and you will regret it tomorrow."  
"I would never regret it."  
"Then if you still remember this by tomorrow, ask me again."  
"You'll kiss me then?"  
"I might."  
Sirius smiles, "I can't wait."  
Remus rolls his eyes, "Goodnight, Pads."  
"Night, Moony."

That's the fourth time they almost kiss for the first time.

*

It's the morning after; Saturday. Remus is up early, thinking about last night and anxiously waiting for Sirius to wake up. That could be hours from now though, so he decides to distract himself by going to the Hospital wing to get something for the hangover that will most likely await Sirius when he wakes up. A few students are already making their way down to the Great Hall for breakfast, but it's mostly empty. He has to make a detour because of Peeves who's roaming the corridor that Remus was intending to take.  
When he gets back to their room, Sirius is still asleep but both James and Peter are gone. Peter always wakes up early and James probably has a date with Lily, or Quidditch practice, or both. As Head Boy and Girl for Gryffindor they're the power couple of the school, and spend nearly every minute of their time together.  
Remus sets the potion down on the bedside table next to Sirius, and stops for just a few seconds to watch him sleep.  _I'm not being creepy,_ he thinks to himself.  _He just looks so damn adorable._ He sighs and forces himself to look away. Then he walks into the connected bathroom for a shower, since not even his beloved jumpers are enough to keep him warm right now. Winter is coming up and the castle is draughty, especially in those rooms without a fireplace or teachers to put up isolating charms.  
After Remus steps out of his long shower, he realizes he's forgotten to bring his clothes into the bathroom with him. Not that it's a huge deal, but he always prefers to cover up as much as possible in front of others. Though there is a chance that Sirius is still asleep. He puts the towel around his waist after drying off, and walks out.  
Of course Sirius isn't still sleeping. He watches Remus as he walks up to the trunk where he keeps his clothes.  
"Good morning sleepyhead," Remus says while he starts getting dressed.  
Sirius groans. "Shhh..my head."  
"On the table," Remus points. "From Madam Pomfrey, put four drops of that in a glass of water and you'll be fine. She said you'll feel the effect about ten seconds after you drink it all."  
Sirius glances at the table, sees the potion and quickly follows Remus' instructions. He comes out of the bathroom with the empty glass and a smile.  
"Thank Merlin for that, you are an _angel_ , Remus!" Remus smiles a little at that.  
"It was pretty bad, huh?"  
"Are you kidding, it felt like someone had Engorgio'd my head, it kept throbbing." He sets the glass down and turns towards Remus, who's now dressed.  
"Well, you were pretty out of it..." He says awkwardly. He doesn't know if he should try to bring up yesterday's conversation, the last thing he wants is to make things weird. "Do you even remember anything that happened last night?"  
Sirius laughs a little. "I know what you really want to know, Re," he has to swallow and take a deep breath before he can continue. This is so much harder sober. "and the answer is _yes,_ I'd still like you to kiss me if that's something you want." He blushes and looks down, too scared to see Remus' reaction. "I never would've admitted this sober, but since it's already out and you didn't seem _too_ opposed to the idea last night..Might as well keep it honest." He clears his throat. "I'm in love with you, Re." Remus doesn't know what to say. He'd been sure Sirius hadn't meant anything with his words last night, and now... Sirius looks up at him, expectantly.  
"Oh.." Remus says, it's all he  _can_ say, his words have disappeared. The disappointment is clear on Sirius' face.  
"I'm sorry," he says as he starts turning around to walk away.  
"N-no," Remus quickly adds and walks a little closer, "Wait, Sirius, I don't mean, I just..." He sighs. Why, _why_ do words have to be so hard? He closes the last bit of distance between them instead and cautiously puts his hands on Sirius' face. "I'm sorry," he says, and he doesn't know what to do now, Sirius is so so close, _too_ close, but not close enough. He takes a deep breath. "I love you too, Pads. I always have." Sirius eyes are closed, and his lips are curled in a small smile. His arms wrap around Remus' waist. Remus gathers up every last bit of Gryffindor courage he has, and _finally_ presses his lips to Sirius's. Happiness explodes within both of them, and soon they have to break apart just to smile at each other.

It was the best first kiss either of them could've asked for.


	8. 8

**1978.**

After Hogwarts, Remus and Sirius get their own place together right away. They spend the year settling down, decorating their small flat together, and enjoying being done with school. Sirius _insists_ on a room for the nights of the full moon. With the help of James, Lily and Peter they transfigure one of the smaller rooms to look like a nice forest, with soft moss on the floor and the moon and the stars shining in the ceiling. Lily, who's the best at potions, provides them with several bottles of the newly invented wolfsbane potion. Sirius still spends every night that Remus is a wolf with him in that room as Padfoot. The fear of the war is hanging over them, but they're _happy._

 

*

Later this year, they're all hanging out at James and Lily's house in Godric's Hollow after having dinner together, when James proposes. Remus and Sirius are thrilled for their best friends, and try their best to hide the sudden sadness that washes over them both at the thought of how they won't be able to get married. _How can it be illegal to love?_


	9. 9

**1979.**

When Sirius finds out Regulus is dead, it nearly destroys him.  
"I- I mean I know he was a Death Eater, I _know_ I shouldn't- shouldn't mourn him," he sobs to Remus the night he gets the owl from his mother. "But he was still my brother," his voice breaks. Remus holds Sirius tight, and strokes his hair as he's crying.  
"I know," he says softly. "It's okay, Siri, there's nothing wrong with being upset about it. I've got you, love."  
Sirius doesn't say anything for a while as he continues crying in Remus' arms. His voice is trembling when he breaks the silence again. "I should've stopped it."  
"What are you talking about?" Remus asks, confused. "Stopped what?"  
"Him becoming a Death Eater, I should've helped him, Re!" He sits up straight and looks at Remus. "I should've gotten him out of that terrible, abusive, pure blood obsessed family! I should've made sure he didn't grow up believing our parents' bullshit! I should've taught him differently, I should've - I should've-" His body is shaking with violent sobs and he can't finish the sentence. "I f-failed him," he stutters quietly, "and it's all my fault."  
Remus does his best to comfort his boyfriend the following weeks and eventually things start to return to normal. As normal as it gets, anyway, during a war. Both Remus and Sirius are doing work for the Order of the Phoenix, but they also make sure to spend as much time together as possible. You never know when it might be too late.


	10. 10

**1980.**

Sirius is incredibly happy to be chosen as godfather to James and Lily's adorable, newborn son. Harry brings a lot of joy to them all during this time. Remus, Sirius and Peter are all over at James and Lily's house so often to get to know Harry, or to help take care of him, they practically live there. Whenever the five of them (six with little Harry) hang out together, like they used to at Hogwarts, it's like the outside world doesn't even exist. They have their own, happy family inside that house in Godric's Hollow, and the war is something they don't have to worry about.  
Until, that is, they find out Voldemort is out to get James and Lily, and they are forced into hiding.


	11. 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh look, a long chapter

**1981.**

James and Lily are dead. James and Lily Potter are _dead,_ and Sirius doesn't know what to do. James Potter; the reckless, but kind boy who had been Sirius' best friend for eleven years of his life. James, who had been there for Sirius, whenever. James, who let Sirius stay with him over Christmas, and during the summer, whenever Sirius couldn't deal with his family. James, who had stood up for him, made him laugh, made him feel proud of himself. James Potter, his partner in crime. Dead.  
Sirius has to get out of this house. He had felt the need to check Hagrid's words, to prove him wrong. They couldn't be gone. But they are. Sirius is outside and he's screaming and he's crying; he's hurt and sad but mainly he feels rage. Peter did this. Their friend. Their friend, who they were supposed to _trust_ had done this. Sirius had suspected something was up when he arrived at Peter's place and found it empty, but this...He never would've thought Peter would sell Lily and James out to Voldemort. Suddenly Sirius feels a heavy hand on his shoulder. Hagrid. And another thought springs into his mind - _Harry_. Harry is still alive. Despite everything, Sirius smiles a little in relief.  
"Harry," his voice is barely a whisper. "Harry's okay." Hagrid nods at him through his own sobs. Sirius reaches out for the baby.  
"Give him to me, Hagrid," he says, blinking away his tears. "I'm his godfather, I should take care of him." To his surprise Hagrid steps away and clears his throat awkwardly.  
"Er- actually, I've got to take him to his relatives. You know, the Dursleys. Dumbledore's orders." Sirius frowns. The Dursleys? They're muggles, muggles who detest magic! They wouldn't take Harry in, and they've got no right to! James and Lily made  _him,_ Sirius, godfather, it's  _his_ job... Then it hits him. Dumbledore. Dumbledore doesn't know they switched Secret Keeper. Shit. Neither does Remus. Fuck. Sirius' head is spinning. They wouldn't just accuse him without letting him explain, though, would they? He needs to find Peter. Find him and kill him before the little bastard gets away. _No_ , a more reasonable voice inside Sirius' head says, _not kill him. Hand him over to the ministry. Clear your own name, and let justice punish the worm._ Fine.  
"You can take my motorbike," he mutters to Hagrid. "It'll be faster than however you were planning on travelling there. I won't be needing it anymore." Hagrid thanks him and takes off. Sirius glances back at the house. It feels empty now, somehow. He swallows down the sorrow that threatens to take over, and starts thinking about how to track down Peter.

*

As he only hours later is being brought to Azkaban by two Dementors, he wonders how everything could go so wrong.

*

Remus is furious. He is at the Ministry of Magic and he is arguing loudly with Albus Dumbledore.  
"You are the Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, don't tell me you don't have any influence on the matter! You have always been highly respected and powerful within the Ministry and you know it, stop bullshitting me!"  
"Mr. Lupin, I need you to calm down." Dumbledore says in a low voice. "Sirius Black is accused of murdering 13 people, including your friend Peter Pettigrew, _and_ of providing Voldemort with information on James and Lily Potter's whereabouts. That is not something I can simply get around, no one would ever let a lunatic like that out of Azkaban."  
"Don't you dare," Remus starts, tears forming in his eyes. "Don't you _dare_ call him a lunatic. I know damn well what he's been accused of but he _wouldn't_ , he just-" His voice breaks a little but he takes a breath and continues. "James meant everything to him. Lily, too, they really got along well those two. And he would never,  _not ever_ , betray them, I'm telling you. He'd rather die, he'd rather be tortured for _years_ , he'd rather give up _everything he had_ than betray James and Lily. And he couldn't possibly have killed all of those people."  
Dumbledore makes to answer, but Remus cuts him off before he even gets one word out.  
"Yes, I am aware there were witnesses but how reliable are they? They were muggles, with no clue who either Sirius or Peter are. I swear to you, Dumbledore, he is innocent. I don't know how, but I refuse to accept this - he didn't, he couldn't have.." Remus finally breaks down in tears, and Dumbledore seizes this opportunity to talk.  
"I know you care about him," he states, as if that wasn't obvious already, "but you are in denial, and you have to let it go. 13 people are dead and the only one near the incident who could've done it is Black. He was the Potters' Secret Keeper and _only_ he could've revealed their location to Voldemort."  
"There has got to be another explanation." Remus' voice is weak.  
"I'm sorry, but there isn't."  
"Why didn't he at least get a trial? It's not fair!"  
"Mr. Crouch's orders, no one's questioned it." Dumbledore half shrugs, like it's nothing.  
"I should get to say goodbye," Remus sobs. "I already lost James and Lily, not to mention Peter, I _can't_.. Not without saying goodbye, I- Please, just let me see him."  
Dumbledore looks at him for several long seconds, frowns, and then he says: "I'll see what I can do," and leaves the room. Remus slides down the wall to sit on the floor. Clutching his knees and trying not to cry, trying to hold himself together. He can't let himself fall apart, but it's so hard. He's got nothing left, absolutely nothing. He's never felt so lonely in his life.

*

Remus can hardly believe his eyes when a Dementor is bringing Sirius to him. They're in one of the temporary prison cells in the Ministry, they've been allowed 10 minutes to say goodbye to each other. It's only been a few weeks since Sirius got arrested, but Remus can already tell the difference in his appearance. He looks thinner, dirtier and so tired, as if he hasn't slept for days. Maybe he hasn't. The Dementor closes the cell door behind them and stands guard outside. Sirius looks at Remus with caution. He wants nothing else than to throw his arms around the man in front of him, but he knows he shouldn't.  
"You better have a hell of a good explanation," Remus starts, but when he catches Sirius' eye, he softens his tone. "I don't believe you did it, you know. It's just- it doesn't add up. Please, Siri, please tell me you didn't do it."  
Sirius is shaking with silent tears. "Of course I didn't, Re, I would never, I-" he wipes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "Remus I've missed you so much, that place is horrible," his voice breaks and Remus melts. Seeing Sirius like this _kills_ him and he quickly pulls him into a warm hug.  
"I'm so sorry," Sirius sobs in Remus' arms. "I didn't mean for this to happen, I didn't think it'd get so out of hand... I was just _so angry_." Remus runs his hands up and down Sirius' back to comfort him, while Sirius tells him about everything that happened the night of his arrest.  
"I knew you were innocent," Remus whispers into Sirius' hair. "I told him, I  _told_ Dumbledore there's no way you could've done this." He sighs. "Not that it matters, the important thing now is how do we get you cleared?"  
Sirius shakes his head sadly. "We can't, Moons, I'm sorry. I've all the evidence against me, plus witnesses. We'd need Peter to prove our story, and he could be anywhere by now. Living as a rat, impossible to find. I'm just glad you found a way to see me. At least you know I'm innocent."  
Remus backs away to look into Sirius' eyes. "Are you kidding me? Siri, you can't be serious about this? I'm not letting them lock you back up in freaking _Azkaban_ for crimes you didn't commit! We'll find a way to prove it, we'll take veritaserum!"  
"Veritaserum only makes you tell your own truth. They think I'm crazy, they won't take me for my word only. And you only know what I've told you. There's no way, I have to go back."  
"Then we'll break out of here, right now."  
"Remus, don't be ridiculous. There's a Dementor right outside the door, plus hundreds of Ministry wizards and witches,  _including Aurors,_ to pass before we even get out of the Ministry. And if we'd manage that, they'd still send all their best Aurors after us, and we've got nowhere to hide." Sirius looks down at his feet, and continues with a defeated voice, "I'm so sorry I screwed everything up so badly. It's my fault they're dead, you know. I made them switch Secret Keeper. They're dead and it's on _me_." He breaks down crying, and once again Remus holds him tight. He can't keep his eyes dry either, they're both crying hard as they hug each other with everything they have.  
Sirius pulls away eventually. "There isn't much time left, I assume. Please, Remus, you have to promise me something."  
"What?" Remus dries Sirius' cheeks with his hands.  
"Don't go looking for Peter." Remus goes to argue, but Sirius cuts him off. "He'll know how to hide - there's no point. Don't waste your life for me. Find happiness. Don't mourn me; go get yourself a new boyfriend, yeah? Someone who'll treat you right, like you deserve." They're both crying again, silent tears running down their faces in steady streams.  
Remus shakes his head. "I can't do that, no, Sirius please don't leave me here alone, I can't do this without you." He grabs Sirius face with both of his hands and kisses him desperately. "Please," he whispers. It breaks Sirius' heart.  
"If I'm going to spend the rest of my life in that miserable place, I want to know that at least you're happy. I'm sorry it has to be this way, I really am, but I need you to promise me that you're going to be okay. Please, Remus, I love you. And I will _always_ love you, but please promise me you'll move on."  
Remus nods and tries to blink away his tears. "F-Fine, I'll t-try, I promise."  
Sirius bites his lip. "Just..just don't forget me, okay?"  
"Never." Remus pulls Sirius into another hug and they spend the rest of their meeting holding on to each other like it's all they've got, until the Dementor returns to take Sirius away.

*

Dumbledore finds Remus hours later, sitting on the floor of that tiny cell still crying, wondering if he's ever going to be okay.


	12. 12

**1993-1994.**

Remus has been offered a job at Hogwarts. He knows it's just Dumbledore taking pity on him, but he's grateful nonetheless. Getting a respected, paid job in the Wizarding World when you're a werewolf sure isn't easy, so being offered a teaching position is nothing you'd say no to.  
The twelve years without Sirius have been extremely hard. Remus is slowly healing, but he hasn't quite managed to keep his promise to Sirius. He's been miserable - so used to always having company during the full moon, being left all alone has been awful. He ran out of Wolfsbane potion a few years back and hasn't been able to get ahold of more, so lately Remus has been waking up the morning after bleeding all over from self-inflicted scratches and bites. Due to him being unable to get a job, he's also lost the flat he and Sirius once shared, and is now living in a small, cramped flat in a not-very-nice muggle neighbourhood. It was overwhelming to be left alone, two of his best friends dead, his boyfriend locked up in the world's most terrifying prison, and his other, former best friend on the run after a terrible betrayal. Remus is _trying_ to cope. He hasn't really made any friends - who could ever compare to what he had? - but he's been trying to find work, to continue on living. The small piece of hope that Sirius will be back with him one day, that Peter will be found and Sirius will be freed - that's what keeps him going. Remus knows this is the opposite of what Sirius wanted for him, and he does feel guilty. But it's twelve years later, and Remus still finds himself missing his soulmate. That's what they are - soulmates. Remus has never put much thought into whether soulmates are a real thing or not, not until he lost Sirius. Because no matter how hard he tries to move on, he never feels at peace. Being with Sirius was being alive. With Sirius, Remus could be himself, he could relax, he could be happy, and he could believe in himself. It was like feeling whole, complete, with nothing missing. He's never questioned this feeling, as he's always had Sirius around. They've always been close friends, but it runs deeper than that, deeper than friendship, deeper than love. And Remus doesn't want to be with anyone else.

*

Sirius Black is on the cover of the Daily Prophet. He has escaped from Azkaban. Remus doesn't know what to feel. Happy, because Sirius is finally out of that horrible place? Worried, because every Dementor and every skilled Auror in England is after him, and they wouldn't hesitate to kill? Or angry, that he didn't immediately come back to Remus?  
Dumbledore has informed Remus about the extra security measures for Hogwarts this year. And he's tried to convince Remus that "Black is trying to find Harry, to kill him." Simply because he had been muttering some words in his sleep. "He's at Hogwarts." Yeah, well, Harry Potter is his godson after all. Why wouldn't he want to meet him?  
Either way, Remus has to go to Hogwarts, and he can only hope Sirius won't do something stupid.

*

He gets quite a shock when he wakes up from a nap at the Hogwarts Express, to the familiar ice cold feeling of a Dementor's presence and the 13 year old version of James Potter in front of him.  
Later, all he can think about is how absolutely helpless Sirius will be if one of the Dementors finds him. They didn't seem to mind feeding on _kids_ , they certainly would have no mercy on a wanted criminal. He looks at Harry down at the Gryffindor table, sadness growing inside him. James and Lily didn't get to see their son grow up. And Harry doesn't even recognise his uncle Moony. Remus desperately wishes things could be different, he wants Sirius by his side, he wants James and Lily to be alive, he wants to know Harry, and he wants Harry to know them.  
Excusing himself from the staff table, he goes to bed early and tries not to worry about Sirius has he drifts off to sleep.

*

The years Sirius has spent in Azkaban, with nothing but his darkest thoughts for company, has warped his mind. There is only one thing on it, as he sneaks around Hogwarts. He is going to kill Peter. He is going to kill the person responsible - r esponsible for James and Lily's death, responsible for leaving Harry an orphan, responsible for Sirius spending twelve whole years in prison. Right now, he doesn't think about Remus. He doesn't think about Harry. He doesn't think about the risks he's taking, the fear Harry could be feeling, or how irrational his actions are. He is free from the Dementors, and he has _found_ Peter. Right now, all he wants is revenge. 

*

Remus pulls out the old Marauder's map from his drawer. After confiscating it from Harry, he's made it a habit to just watch the little dots move around the map. Waves of nostalgia hits him every time.  
"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," he murmurs and taps the empty parchment with his wand. He looks around the map, and frowns as he sees a cluster of dots down at Hagrid's hut. When he looks closer at the names, he does a double take. _Peter Pettigrew._ With Harry and his friends? It can't be... Then he remembers - Ron Weasley has a rat. Suddenly he notices another dot on the map, moving towards the others. A dot labelled _Sirius Black_. And he gets it. He knows why Sirius is here. Why he hasn't been in touch. Why he was heard mumbling about Hogwarts in his sleep. Remus grabs the map and his wand and sets off after them immediately.

*

He is hugging Sirius. It's been twelve years, twelve whole years of not seeing each other, and suddenly they're in each other's arms again. Sirius looks seriously ill. Remus has seen the picture of him in the Daily Prophet of course, but it's even worse up close. The long, filthy, tangled hair; the unshaven face; the hollow look in his eyes; the torn, dirty robes; how gaunt he's become... Sirius spots the worry in Remus' eyes.  
"We'll talk later," he says. Remus nods.

*

The day after Sirius escaped the Dementors for the second time, Remus receives an owl. He's already recovering from last night thanks to Madam Pomfrey. He's in his office, packing up the last of his things. Resigning from Hogwarts hadn't been easy, and when Harry asked him to stay it nearly broke his heart. But it's for the best.  
He stares at the envelope he took from the owl, and at the name scribbled on it. His name. In Sirius' handwriting. He'd recognise it anywhere; not only from the letters he used to send Remus whenever they were apart, but also from the countless times he'd read through Sirius' essays during their time at Hogwarts.  
Remus doesn't know what to expect from this letter. He closes his eyes for a few seconds, takes a deep breath, and then he opens the envelope.

 _I don't know how to start this. Everything I tried ended up too formal, or too casual... I have so many things I want to say to you, and I'd rather do it face to face but unfortunately that's not possible._  
_First of all I'm sorry, for a lot of things. For leaving you. For causing you to forget to take the potion. For not finding you after I broke out of Azkaban._  
_It's hard, you know, to recover. I'm afraid to let myself think of anything that makes me happy, because I'm so used to every happy thought being taken away from me. But I'm trying, and I'm slowly letting myself remember us. You. Not that I forgot, but I had to do everything I could to keep you off my mind while I was in there, I didn't want them to take you from me. I didn't want them poisoning my memories of you._  
_I'm obviously going to have to stay in hiding, but I want to stay in touch with you. I'm travelling away from Hogwarts so they can all relax about Harry's safety._  
_Speaking of Harry, I'm worried. When we still had Wormtail, and I thought I'd be free again, I offered him to come and live with me. I had expected him to decline, he's got his family at the Dursley's already, right? But he didn't, he actually seemed a little too excited about leaving them. Could you maybe check up on him? See that he's alright? We both know how Petunia was with Lily... It's not hard to imagine she'd treat Harry the same way._  
_Lastly, but probably the most important thing: How are you? How have you been? What have you been up to? I can't believe I've missed out on 12 years of your life. I have missed you so much, Re. Hope you're doing alright._

_\- Yours._

_PS. Don't worry about anyone else getting their hands on this, I've put a charm on the envelope so no one but you can open it. It was tricky, but I think I got it. You know I'm good with charms. Hugs._

By the end of it, Remus is crying. He holds the letter to his chest. Sirius is back. Maybe not here, with Remus, physically. But he's back. He's free.

*

By the end of the day, Remus is back home in his tiny flat. He talked to Harry and Dumbledore before he left Hogwarts with the train like the rest of the students, and is now sitting down to finally write a reply for Sirius.

 _Dearest Padfoot,_  
_I am so glad to hear from you. I can't believe you're finally free again. You don't have anything to apologise for, if anything I'm sorry for not helping you get out earlier._  
_My life has been hell, I'm not going to lie to you. I swear I tried to move on, but I missed you so much every single day. It's been unbearable. I've quit my job at Hogwarts, as Snape told everyone about my secret. So now I'll have to go back to working shitty jobs for really low pay. I really haven't been up to much._  
_I talked to Harry about the Dursleys; you were right. He talks about it pretty indifferently, but it sounds like they've been extremely abusive. He told me he had to stay in the cupboard under the stairs until he was eleven years old, he's been locked in his room for weeks at some points, he's been verbally abused and bullied by the three of them for as long as he can remember. I am furious with Dumbledore, I really thought he'd keep an eye on Harry and his well being. Frustratingly enough, there's nothing I can do. I have no legal claim on Harry's custody, like you do, he's not of age yet, and Dumbledore is convinced Harry should stay where he is. Because it's "safe". God, what would James do if he knew how Harry is being treated? I'll stay in touch with him over the summer, though, if anything happens I won't hesitate to get over there and sort it out._  
_Please write back soon, if I can't see you I at least want to hear from you as often as possible._  
_Yours always,_  
_Moony._

*

 _What happened to your promise, huh? It breaks my heart that you've been so lonely, fuck I should've been there. I'm so so sorry. And why are you letting Snivellus decide over your life? Screw him. How's it even possible he's a teacher? Maybe if the students' parents' knew he's a freaking Death Eater, they wouldn't want him around either. Werewolf over Death Eater any day, if you ask me._  
_Do me a favour, and hex Dumbledore for me, will you? That old scumbag, letting me rot in Azkaban while hiring_ Snivellus _at Hogwarts? Giving that greasy old flobberworm a second chance, leaving_ my godson _in a house where he's not even treated like a human being? I know what it's like to grow up in an abusive environment and Merlin knows I'd never forgive anyone who could've helped me out of there but didn't, who was the damn reason I was there in the first place. What do you reckon Vernon and Petunia would do if I simply showed up at their door and threatened to kill them if they didn't treat Harry well? It's way tempting._  
_But hey, maybe some day I'll be cleared and you and I can live together again, yeah? Harry could stay with us, too. We could be a family. I'm so sick of being hunted._  
_I'll be in touch, love. -S_


	13. 13

**1995.**

Remus hasn't heard from Sirius in weeks, and is shocked to see him standing outside the door of his flat. He takes out his wand just in case - it might not really be him. He opens the door only slightly, "Sirius?"  
"The one and only!" His tone is cheerful, and he's smiling; he looks better than he did after Azkaban but still gaunt and a little rugged. He's wearing the same, worn robes and hasn't shaved in a while.  
"If you don't mind me double checking, what's my nickname?" Remus asks cautiously.  
But Sirius understands. "Moony," he answers immediately and Remus relaxes. "But I always preferred Moons," he smiles again, but Remus can tell it doesn't quite reach his eyes. He looks tired and depressed.  
"Come in," Remus opens the door wider to let Sirius inside. They share a brief, slightly awkward hug. They have missed each other, and they still love each other, but they don't quite know how to act around each other just yet. They've been apart for so long - finding their way back isn't going to be easy.  
Remus guides Sirius into his small kitchen and makes them both a cup of tea before any more words are exchanged. When they're both seated, Sirius starts to explain why he's there. The more the talks, the sadder he looks. And by the end of it, Remus understands why.  
"So we're reinstating the Order," Sirius says with a sigh and looks down at his tea. "And Dumbledore thinks he's found the most brilliant place for our new Headquarters. The lovely old Black family house. It belongs to me now, so. I guess he's right. It's damn useful, well protected as it is. I just wish..." Remus reaches out and takes Sirius' hand.  
"I know." He doesn't need to say anything else, Sirius knows he understands. Remus always understood.  
"Anyway," Sirius continues, "Dumbledore wants me to lay low here for a while, while we gather the wizards and witches we can think would join our side. He's going to be Secret Keeper and doesn't want anyone there until it's set up. So I hope that's okay?" He sounds hesitant.  
"Of course," Remus reassures him. "You're always welcome here, Sirius. Always."  
They smile at each other, and finish their tea.

*

An awkwardness arises when it's nearing midnight. Remus doesn't know how they're supposed to sleep. He's got a bed big enough for two, sure, but are they really going to sleep so close to each other after all these years of distance? He wants to, he desperately wants to be close to Sirius again but on the other hand he's scared it would feel weird and unfamiliar. He doesn't know how to bring it up to Sirius either, there's a strange wall of air between them. A wall built upon the years of silence and distance between them, something that's separating the two, making them feel like they don't even know each other.  
Sirius clears his throat. "Well, er, it's getting pretty late... I'll sleep on the sofa, yeah?" Remus nods silently, feeling a confusing mix of relief and disappointment.  
"Hey," Sirius lightly taps Remus on his shoulder, "we'll find our way back to each other, I'm sure of it. We just have to give it time." He gives Remus a small smile, which Remus returns.  
"Goodnight," he says as he rises from the sofa.  
"Night, Re," Sirius replies and lays down, pulling a blanket over himself.

*

When they enter the hallway of number 12, Grimmauld place, Sirius suddenly finds it hard to breathe. He is overwhelmed by old memories, and tears are forming in his eyes.  
"I never thought I'd be back here," he whispers to Remus who's by his side. "I don't know if I can do it."  
Remus grabs Sirius' hand for support. "Yes, you can. It's just a house, alright? Just walls, floors, windows... I know it hurts, I can tell just by the look on your face, but it's only what you're associating with this house, not the actual place." He pauses, doubting his words are helping even a little. "I'm so sorry you have to do this." He squeezes Sirius' hand. "But I'm with you. It'll be okay."

*

Sirius has been cooped up in this awful house for weeks, alone. Everyone's back at work and school, leaving Sirius with only Kreacher for company. It was hard enough being stuck here when there were people around, but now it's a hundred times worse. Remus had been reluctant to leave him at first, but he'd gotten instructions from Dumbledore and now he's on a mission to recruit as many werewolves to their side as he can. Sirius had insisted he'd be fine, but he's starting to regret that. His old nightmares are coming back - memories from his childhood, Regulus being abused and even tortured, his mother screaming at him what a disappointment he is. The old portrait of her doesn't do anything to help this. He misses James. This _house_ makes him miss James, James who would always offer a safe place at his house. If only Remus would come back soon.

*

And eventually he does. Remus walks into the dark, empty hallway and quietly makes his way towards the kitchen. He looks through almost the entire house, before finally finding Sirius. He's up in the attic with Buckbeak, and he jumps when Remus enters.  
"There you are," Remus says and joins them on the floor.  
"Sorry," Sirius mumbles. "I didn't hear you coming."  
"Didn't wanna cause too much noise," Remus explains. "Are you alright?"  
Sirius strokes Buckbeak's feathers without answering. Remus can tell, though - he's not.  
"I'm sorry," Remus continues instead. "I didn't want to leave, but it's important-"  
"I know," Sirius cuts him off. "Everyone's out doing important stuff, and I'm stuck here."  
"Hey," Remus tries to make his voice sound calm and soothing. "I know you're frustrated. And I know you don't mean to take it out on me, but please remember this isn't my fault. Nor is it yours, but being aggressive towards everyone isn't going to make anything better."  
"Sorry," Sirius' voice is small. "It's just, I have been outside of this house exactly one time, in months. And after that even Harry is calling me reckless." Remus frowns. "I wanted to meet him in Hogsmeade," Sirius answers the unspoken question and glances up at Remus. "As Padfoot!" He quickly adds at Remus' expression.  
Remus shakes his head. "Well, he's got a point. You know, you might want to think about what Molly said."  
"Which part?" Sirius sounds exasperated.  
"Calm down, love." Remus notices a slight twitch in Sirius at his words. "What?" He frowns.  
Sirius shrugs. "You haven't called me that since.." He swallows. "Well, since before Azkaban."  
"Oh..." Remus doesn't know what to say.  
"It's fine," Sirius says. "Continue, what did All-Knowing-Molly say that's so important?"  
"Hey, you know she cares about you, Sirius," Remus says. "And so do I. Anyway, I meant the part about seeing Harry as James. He's not."  
"I know that," Sirius responds defiantly.  
"Consciously, yes," Remus says patiently. "But unconsciously... Harry doesn't need you to he his mate. He needs you to be his godfather."  
Sirius sits quiet for a while, and then he whispers: "I miss him." His voice is barely audible, and Remus can tell he's about to start crying. Sirius hides his face in his arms, and Remus moves closer, putting an arm around him.  
"I know, love, I know," he murmurs as he strokes Sirius' hair. "I do, too."  
"Are you going to leave again?" Sirius whispers through the tears.  
"No," Remus reassures. "I'll stay here for as long as you want me to. Not like I'm gonna miss my place."  
Sirius turns towards Remus and hugs him tight. "Thank you," he says into Remus' neck.  
"It's not a problem, Siri, you should know."  
"Not just this," Sirius pulls away and looks into Remus' eyes. "For everything. For being here, for helping me."  
"Of course," Remus smiles. "Up for some dinner?"  
Sirius nods as Remus stands up and pulls Sirius to his feet with him.

*

Remus walks around Sirius' old bedroom. He smiles at the pictures covering the walls; pictures of Sirius with James, Peter and Remus himself. Sirius shows up in the doorway.  
"Brings up a lot of memories, doesn't it?" He says in a low voice.  
Remus nods. "Both happy and sad ones." He turns towards Sirius to see he's dressed for bed. "You're going to sleep?"  
Sirius nods. "Yeah, it's getting quite late and there isn't much else to do around here," he says with a small laugh that doesn't seem cheerful at all. Remus frowns and makes towards the door. "Well, goodnight then," he says and passes Sirius.  
"Er- actually," Sirius starts and Remus turns back around. "Will you stay with me tonight?" He looks nervous to ask.  
"Sure," Remus says and closes the door to the bedroom. Sirius is relieved, and gets into bed. Remus turns off the lights and then joins him.  
"I haven't really been sleeping well lately," Sirius admits into the dark.  
"Nightmares?"  
"Yeah," he sighs. "It's this goddamn house."  
"It's alright," Remus moves closer to Sirius and puts an arm around him. "I've got you. Just wake me up if you need me."  
Sirius cuddles in closer to Remus. "I've missed this," he says quietly.  
"Me too," Remus says back, and then they both drift off to sleep.


	14. 14

**1996**.

Sirius Black is dead. Remus can feel every single one of his cells _shattering_. Maybe lately, things between them hasn't been what they once were, but Remus has loved this man with everything that he is for years. When Sirius disappears behind the veil he takes all the light, warmth, colour and happiness in the world with him. It's as if the room is suddenly filled with Dementors, but looking around; dazed, numb, he sees nothing else than the blur of his friends of the Order fighting the Death Eaters.  
He cannot give in to the pain. He cannot let himself feel, not now.  
Harry needs him.  
And so, Remus Lupin holds Harry back despite desperately wanting to follow him there as well.  
"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!" Harry is in denial.  
"It's too late, Harry." Remus is in pain.  
"We can still reach him-" James, dead.  
"There's nothing you can do, Harry... Nothing... He's gone." Lily, dead.  
"He hasn't gone! SIRIUS! SIRIUS!" Peter, traitor.  
"He can't come back, Harry, he can't come back because he's d-" And now, Sirius. _His_ Sirius. His wonderfully amazingly kind-hearted, _gorgeous_ boyfriend, finally free after 12 years of Azkaban, finally back with Remus where he belongs... Dead.  
"HE IS NOT DEAD! SIRIUS!" But he is.  
Remus barely notices as Harry breaks free of his arms and runs away in the opposite direction. All of his senses have gone numb. He doesn't hear the shouting, the fighting around him. He doesn't see anything other than the silver curtain his eyes remain fixed on. He doesn't feel the hard rock cutting his knees as he falls to the floor, nor the burning tears running down his face. When he's hit by a stunning spell in the back, he finds himself wishing it's the killing curse. _I could join him, be with him forever._  
That's the last thought going through his head before he passes out and everything goes black.

*

Remus Lupin and Sirius Black never got their happy ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was that really... Hope you liked it!


End file.
